Biden Press Conference Odds Emerge As Basement Joe Comes Up For Air

joe biden confused and staring off into the distance because he has dementia

As Hidin’ Biden emerges from his basement for the first public press conference of his presidency, the best Vegas election betting sites are finally offering some amusing political props.

Until now, all we’ve had to wager on have been the typical 2024 Presidential election futures and the ongoing line on whether or not Dementia Joe can actually hold out for the duration of his first term in the White House. (Can you believe they still call it that?!)

The first major election sportsbook to drop Joe Biden betting odds on tomorrow’s press conference – which are, incidentally, the first even remotely interesting betting lines to be posted since The Donald left office in January – is BetOnline AG.

Joe Biden Press Conference Props

Via BetOnline Sportsbook

Will the Dow Jones be up or down at market close on March 25, 2021?

  • Up -165   
  • Down +125 

Probably “Up.”

As long as Biden doesn’t completely trip over himself with endless stutters, derailed trains of thought, and lapses in every imaginable kind of discernible cognitive function, Wall Street will likely be at least semi-comfortable in the short term.

Then again, Biden will assuredly do all those things and then some, so…

Probably “Down.”

Or maybe not. We’re staying away from this one. The stock market’s even fuller of hot air than Old Joe.

What will the primary color of Joe Biden’s tie be?

  • Blue -250 
  • Red +150  
  • Black +500
  • White +1000    

Whatever color the CCP wants it to be. Red, we suppose. China Joe’s a good party member, after all.

But maybe blue. Democrats are good party members, too.

Obviously, we’re not betting on this one.

What word(s) will Joe Biden say first in his press conference?

  • Vaccine or Vaccination -150
  • COVID or Coronavirus +150 
  • Stimulus or package +350  

Logically, the easy pick here is “COVID or Coronavirus” at +150.

To mention vaccines or vaccinations without qualifying them as COVID or coronavirus vaccines or vaccinations just seems…wrong.

The same is true for “Stimulus or package,” as those terms should be qualified per their stated relationships with the virus, too.

Of course, when someone is in the late stages of dementia or Alzheimer’s, they may not act or speak logically.

And then there’s the obvious marketing push for The Vaccine™, where – on the strength of 24/7 blunt force trauma courtesy of the MSM – the branding might just speak for itself.

Still, we like option two at +150.  

Which topic will Joe Biden address first in his press conference?

  • Gun Control -250
  • Border Migrants +170 

Gun control, obviously.

The Democrats never groomed a mass shooter they didn’t like.

At -250, this is a steal. We’re surprised the line isn’t set at -1000 or more.

Will Joe Biden’s approval rating be higher or lower than the previous day’s?

  • Higher -140    
  • Lower +100

This wager comes with qualifiers in the fine print.

The rating comparison will be based on data from liberal activist website FiveThirtyEight, pitting Biden’s approval at 5:00 PM EST on March 25 against his approval from 5:00 PM EST on March 24.

At the time of this post, FiveThirtyEight has their Biden approval rating at 54.4 percent. Since they’re a marketing arm for the Democratic Party, of course, you can expect that to go up.

He speaks so well for a guy with dementia!  

“Higher” at -140 is a pretty solid bet unless Creepy Joe literally collapses on stage.

Will Joe Biden have a mask on when he walks to the podium?

  • Yes -250  
  • No +170

This is the easiest money you’ll ever make.

And at -250, it’s a shocking bargain.

Will Bitcoin be up or down on March 25, 2021?

  • Up -140   
  • Down +100 

If Biden proposes any crazy shenanigans that might spook Wall Street investors – of if he simply acts like himself and terrifies the world that a doddering old idiot is nominally the Leader of the Free World™, the Bitcoin price will go up after his press conference.

However, if there’s something about the topics he hits that inspires confidence in the stock market or the US dollar, then the BTC price will likely go down.

Here’s how to play this: If you think the stock market will improve and are betting on that line up top, then take the “Down” down here. And vice versa.

For what it’s worth, at the time of this writing, BTC is up 1.28 percent day-to-day.

We think we’ll just buy some Bitcoin, instead.

Actually, Cardano looks even better…