Well, it’s that time again.
Yes, the moment you’ve all been waiting for is finally here: the Canadian elections!
Will Prime Minister Blackface™ get another term leading the nation?
Will some other party take back the majority and give Justin Trudeau the toss?
Will any of it matter in any way whatsoever?
The answers to two of those questions remain TBA.
However, the answer to that last query – the bit about whether or not any of it matters – is an easy one:
Canada in 2021 is as ineffectual as ever, which is why – despite having a national election right now – no Vegas political betting sites have had meaningful lines on the races.
Seriously, we have an entire page dedicated to international political odds, and Canada’s upcoming vote went completely unaddressed by the top books in the world.
The only Trudeau line that’s currently posted at any leading sportsbook is this one:
Next World Leader to be Slapped?
- Boris Johnson (United Kingdom) +700
- Alexander Lukashenko (Belarus)* +800
- Abdel Fattah el-Sisi (Egypt)† +1000
- Joe Biden (LOL)🤡 +1000
- Justin Trudeau (Canada) +1000
- Nicolas Maduro (Venezuela)‡ +1000
- Rodrigo Duterte (Philippines)§ +1000
- Viktor Orban (Hungary)‖ +1000
- Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador (Mexico) +1200
- Mario Draghi (Italy) +1200
- Mark Rutte (Netherlands) +1200
- Scott Morrison (Australia) +1400
- Naftali Bennett (Israel)¶ +2000
- Jacinda Ardern (New Zealand) +3300
- Shinzo Abe (Japan, former PM) +3300
- Angela Merkel (Germany)# +5000
- Vladimir Putin (Russia)Δ +5000
- Kim Jong Un (North Korea)◊ +6600
- Xi Jinping (China)※ +6600
- Mohammed Bin Salman (Saudi Arabia)↓ +10000
*Belarus may seem like a tidy little Western nation, but there is fierce nationalism in the country, and the slapper here would have to risk a lifetime in whatever gulag equivalent the country has in order to risk such an affront.
†While the slapper might not be jailed for life, Egypt isn’t particularly friendly to protest. A significant sentence would be handed down, rendering the act unlikely.
🤡Anyone who slaps Dementia Joe would likely get slapped with involuntary manslaughter at a minimum and literal assassination at a maximum. The clown can’t credibly survive any more blows to the head.
‡The slapper would be executed in secret and without a trial. Or possibly on the spot.
§Duterte himself would probably kill the slapper in self-defense, probably with a balisong. Then he’d declare a moratorium on all prosecution of those citizens in the community who exercise vigilantism on violent criminals of all kinds. It worked for the drug trade.
‖Orban doesn’t put up with these kinds of shenanigans. The slapper might survive in one piece, but they’d be disappeared in short order.
¶The slapper – and the slapper’s family – would find that their new credit scores make modern life impossible.
#What’s the point? Merkel looks like she’s already spent a lifetime being slapped in the face.
ΔDo it. Somebody do it. We dare you. (Disclaimer: We don’t actually dare you. Please do not do this.)
◊Nobody would ever know he was slapped, nobody would ever know who slapped him, and nobody would ever hear from the offender or their bloodline again.
※Xi would smile like Winnie the Pooh, and then he’d have the slapper executed. The slapper’s family would be charged for all fees relating to said execution, including the price of the bullet. Their social credit scores would be adjusted accordingly.
↓The arrow indicates the direction – straight into the earth – that any such slapper would immediately be rendered.
You know, it’s a bit peculiar that French President Emmanuel Macron isn’t on the above list.
After all, it was Macron who was slapped back in June to start off this silly political prop line, and there’s no reason he wouldn’t be popped again.
The guy’s a wimp:
Anyway, given the above, Trudeau at +1000 is actually the second most likely pol to be slapped if the slapper isn’t actually suicidal.
Still, it probably won’t happen.
Remember, if you live in the Great White North and don’t like what’s going on in your neck of the woods, the government will at least mail you as much marijuana as you can smoke.
That tends to ease things a bit.
But even if the government cheese hasn’t made the public docile enough to put up with Trudeau’s hyper-liberal policies, Biden’s abject failures down south have made those policies seem – for now – high-minded and reasonable.
2021 Joe Biden Presidential Mental Fitness Test Update
Will Joe Biden complete his first term as US President?
- Yes -175 (-175)
- No +135 (+135)
Canada’s not the only country that’s smoking something.
Year That Joe Biden Exits Office
- 2025 +110(+110)
- 2022 +400 (+400)
- Not Before 2026 +400 (+400)
- 2021 +550 (+550)
- 2023 +750 (+750)
- 2024 +1400 (+1400)
Will Joe Biden leave office via impeachment?
- No -1200 (-1200)
- Yes +500 (+500)
Joe Biden Approval Rating On October 1, 2021
- Over 46% -120 (46% -120)
- Under 46% -120 (46% -120)
Ditto ditto ditto.
And no, that’s not a “stutter.”
We’re not the President, after all.