Back in June, as the Vegas political betting lines stagnated with various flavors of nonsense, we posted a roundup of wacky alien invasion-themed betting lines.
We thought they were a limited-time gag, but it turns out they’ve had some staying power.
They live! They are among us! Contact!
That’s true for the betting lines, anyway.
Hey, stuff is getting pretty spooky out there, right? These aren’t that farfetched!
2021 Alien Abduction Odds
Will there be an alien attack in 2021?
- Yes +10000
We sure hope so.
Will alien/human contact be confirmed in 2021?
- Yes +2500
Not a chance.
Even if the aliens do attack for all the world to see, the MSM spin would be incredible.
There’s nothing brighter than a gaslight powered by dilithium crystals.
First Country To Be Attacked By Aliens
- USA +1000
- Greenland +1100
- Russia +1200
- Brazil +1600
- India +1600
- Mexico +2000
- Argentina +2200
- Australia +2500
- China +2500
- France +2500
- Iran +2500
- Israel +2500
- Italy +2500
- New Zealand +2500
- Taiwan +2500
- Chile +3300
- Germany +3300
- Pakistan +3300
- Saudi Arabia +3300
- Spain +3300
- UK +3300
- Canada +4000
- Denmark +5000
- Indonesia +5000
- Peru +5000
- Sweden +5000
- Venezuela +5000
- Belgium +6600
- Ireland +6600
- Kenya +6600
- Thailand +6600
For what it’s worth, while these odds haven’t budged an inch since they were originally posted, Kenya has been added to the list for some reason.
Regardless, we’re pretty sure that won’t be where the aliens first make their stand.
It should also be noted that these lines are for space alien invasion, not regular alien invasion. Had the latter been the case, the US is far and away the clear winner, as the nation is on pace to record upwards of two million alien invasions this year alone.
Through August, enough aliens have invaded America that – kept together – they’d amass the USA’s 10th largest city.
Now, while we can’t offer too many touts for this line, there are a few selections worth discussing.
Naturally, America (+1000) would be an obvious entry point – especially under the “Biden Administration” – if these aliens are intent on taking over the planet ASAP.
But Australia – at +2500 – is a tactically relevant choice.
The country is entirely disarmed, and the people there have so far proven themselves unable to contend even with domestic government goons.
It’s fertile ground for a full-frontal assault from outer space.
Russia, at +1200, is too close to the top, in our view. The country is particularly adept at fighting wars of attrition.
Ditto for China at +2500.
Presumably, the aliens would need factories and whatnot, but it’s more likely they’d invade elsewhere and then just subcontract all their production initiatives to various Chinese factories – for literal pennycents on the dollarpounds!
Taiwan at +2500 is interesting, but China’s already invading, and the aliens likely won’t want to antagonize their most well-situated commercial partner.
Mexico (+2000) is less likely as an invasion center than as a satellite base or staging base, as the invaders ought to be able to blend right in.
France (+2500) wouldn’t put up a fight, but the aliens probably want some sort of challenge. White flags are no fun, after all.
Iran (+2500) and Saudi Arabia (+3300) seem like a hell of a lot more trouble than they’re worth, while Israel – at +2500 – would make sense as a base of operations more than a battlefield.
If you believe in the David Icke Reptilian Banker™ thing, anyway.
South America in general doesn’t make a whole lot of sense logistically, so you can take those countries off the map.
Meanwhile, the UK (+3300) is too wet for aliens according to M. Night Shyamalan, and the rest of the options make about as much sense.
That leaves the smart money on Canada at +4000.
It’s well-situated, has a small and dispersed population, and the denizens are generally agreeable.
Who will be the first alien abductee?
- Elon Musk +1400
- Donald Trump Jr. +1600
- Joe Rogan +1600
- Tyson Fury +1600
- Bill Gates +2000
- Jeff Bezos +2000
- Joe Biden +2000
- Mike Tyson +2200
- Donald Trump +2500
- Floyd Mayweather +2500
- George Soros +2500
- Ghislaine Maxwell +2500
- Hillary Clinton +2500
- Oprah Winfrey +2500
- Rupert Murdoch +2500
- Tom Brady +2500
- Rosie O’Donnell +2800
- Boris Johnson +3300
- Bryson DeChambeau +3300
- Christiano Ronaldo +3300
- Deontay Wilder +3300
- Jennifer Aniston +3300
- LeBron James +3300
- Matt LeBlanc +3300
- Kamala Harris +4000
- Tom Hanks +4000
- Bill Clinton +5000
- Ellen DeGeneres +5000
- Jennifer Lawrence +5000
- Justin Trudeau +5000
- Kevin Durant +5000
- Kim Jong Un +5000
- Michelle Obama +5000
- Stephen Curry +5000
- Steve Bannon +5000
- Sylvester Stallone +5000
- Tiger Woods +5000
- Xi Jinping +5000
- Barack Obama +6600
- Courtney Cox +6600
- Henry Winkler +6600
- Clay Travis +10000
These odds are also the same as last time (and with no new additions), but they’re just as absurd.
Elon Musk seems like a solid bet at +1400, but he’s spacebound anyway. The effort seems redundant.
Now, if Martians are doing the invading – or, alternatively, wish to prevent an invasion at home – Musk’s a solid pick. But if earthly domination is the motive, there are better options.
Should the aliens want to keep things under the radar at first, Tyson Fury (+1600) and Mike Tyson (+2200) are both good choices, as the pugilists are already entirely out of their minds and nobody believes anything they say.
Ditto for most of the other celebrities on the list.
Plus, Scientology likely isn’t compatible with the alien religion in question.
In general, we think all athletes are probably safe, as the aliens are likely familiar with our sports broadcasts and probably enjoy the games as much as we do.
Circuses are important for invading forces, remember, as morale is a precious commodity in wartime.
The same rationale excludes all the various movie stars and TV stars on the board, albeit if the aliens have a broken jukebox that needs fixing, The Fonz might be a good pickup at +6600.
Politicians might make good tactical abductees, but not right off the hop.
One of those will get snatched into the sky as an escalation, not as an introduction.
The snag there is that nobody on earth would actually care.
And in the case of Kim Jong Un (+5000), nobody on earth would even notice.
The most likely abductee, then, would be someone that might prove useful to the aliens in their attempt at global conquest.
They need a powerful turncoat – someone with no morals and a track record of assisting any enemy in the furtherance of their own power.
History, then, tells us that George Soros is the clear choice.
At +2500, he’s a profitable pick for the bettor, too.
Also, why isn’t David Duchovny up there?
Alien v. Human War Winner
- Humans -150
- Aliens +110
This line is patently ridiculous.
Clearly, if the aliens can get here, they’ve already won.
Speaking of invaders and imposters:
2021 Joe Biden Presidential Mental Fitness Test Update
Will Joe Biden complete his first term as US President?
- Yes -175 (-175)
- No +135 (+135)
Year That Joe Biden Exits Office
- 2025 +110 (+110)
- 2022 +400 (+400)
- Not Before 2026 +400 (+400)
- 2021 +550 (+550)
- 2023 +750 (+750)
- 2024 +1400 (+1400)
Will Joe Biden leave office via impeachment?
- No -1200 (-1200)
- Yes +500 (+500)
Joe Biden Approval Rating On November 1, 2021
- Over 44.0% -120 (-120)
- Under 44.0% -120 (-120)
If Biden were abducted, at least we could finally dispense with this nonsense.